My Brain Hurts

I feel like crap. The worst part is, I don't know why I feel like crap. Sometimes, you get a head cold, or bronchitis, or something like that, and you know what it is, and you know that it will pass. Or you pull a muscle, or konk your knee, and you know that it will heal. You know that in a week or so, you'll be back to your old self again. This time isn't like one of those times.

I hate not knowing things. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I took to letters and words easily -- even before going to school, I was looking through books and practicing writing letters and even making up my own words (the biggest spanking I ever got was for writing my made-up words all over our blue upstairs walls in orange crayon). The first time I was introduced to the concept of math, however, I cried. I still remember so clearly sitting in a little chair at a little table with three other little kids, and choking back sobs as I tried to figure out how many sticks I'd have if I had three to begin with, and my friend gave me three of hers. I suffered upset stomachs and dry heaves most mornings for the first few months of first grade, all because of math. Eventually, something clicked in my head and I "got it". The dry heaves went away.

So when I'm feeling like crap, and I can't get in to see a doctor because a.)I recently moved and don't have one yet b.)I'm unemployed -- well, actually I was offered a job, but I can't start until my fingerprints have cleared, and after two tries, the nice folks at the fingerprinting place still can't seem to get a clear enough set of prints on me, so technically, I'm still unemployed which means c.)I'm uninsured, although I did apply for insurance online a few weeks ago, and after filling out a lengthy application and then going through a lengthy interview over the phone, I'm still waiting to be approved -- anyway, when I can't get in to see a doctor right away, I will self-diagnose (it's so easy, what with the Internet and all) and fret. I think I've got it narrowed down:

*Labyrinthitis
*Vestibular neuritis
*hypothyroidism
*hormonal imbalance (menopause is looming, after all)
*some kind of vision problem
*something viral -- a mild flu that won't go away

Ofcourse, lurking in the back of my head -- in the back of my dizzy, lightheaded, water-balloon of a head -- is the word "tumor". It's written in orange crayon on the blue walls of my head. I shouldn't have written it there, but I did. Now I'm just pretending that I didn't, because that's the least likely thing it could be. I know that much.

I made an appointment to see an ENT. I'll get to see him in the first week of April. My brain hurts.